Living Apart Together: Does Distance Help or Hurt a Marriage?

✍️ Episode Summary:

In interview on The Gordon Deal Show, Jennifer discusses the growing trend of married couples choosing to live separately — sometimes even in different cities — and the implications this has on the health of their relationships. Drawing on data from the U.S. Census Bureau and her experience as a divorce attorney, Jennifer explores whether this unconventional living arrangement is a symptom of deeper issues or a potential solution for preserving a marriage. She emphasizes the importance of communication and intentional connection, noting that avoidance and separate living can often lead to disconnection and ultimately, divorce.

📝 Refined Transcript:

Host:
It might be unconventional, but plenty of couples—even married ones—are opting to live in different places. Census Bureau data has highlighted this trend. Joining us with some analysis is divorce attorney Jennifer Hargrave, founder of Hargrave Family Law in Dallas. Jennifer, what are you seeing?

Jennifer Hargrave:
The most common scenario we see—remember, this is coming from the perspective of divorce—is couples living in different cities. I can’t recall many cases where people are living separately within the same city. If they’re in the same town, they typically live under the same roof. It’s not unusual, however, for couples to have separate rooms within a home. That definitely happens a lot.

Host:
The Census says there are about 3.9 million Americans doing this. Is this just masking bigger issues, or can it actually save a marriage?

Jennifer Hargrave:
Absolutely, there are legitimate and healthy reasons couples might choose to sleep in separate rooms. For instance, different work schedules—like if one partner works nights and the other works days—can make separate sleeping arrangements practical and necessary. Or if they simply have incompatible sleep patterns, this can be a good solution. The key is communication. As long as couples are still finding ways to connect emotionally and stay in sync, it can work.

Jennifer Hargrave (continued):
However, what I often see is that couples start avoiding each other because there’s too much conflict. If the move into separate spaces is done to avoid irritation or tension rather than solve a specific problem, that usually doesn’t bode well. In those cases, the couple often ends up living separate lives under the same roof—or even literally apart—and that’s when they come to us.

Host:
Is it possible that it starts out working, but over time people just get too comfortable living apart?

Jennifer Hargrave:
Yes, that definitely happens. People get used to not sharing their space, and when they have to come back together, it can be really difficult. They fall out of rhythm, and small annoyances can quickly escalate into bigger conflicts. That’s one of the major risks of long-distance or “living apart together” arrangements. They’re not sharing daily life in a way that builds connection, and that disconnection can be the beginning of the end.

Host:
Thanks, Jennifer. That was divorce attorney Jennifer Hargrave, founder of Hargrave Family Law in Dallas.