Mediation in a divorce case can involve all sorts of different twists and turns that are likely to test your patience and increase your anxiety, frustration or resolve. While preparing for and attending mediation is generally less stressful than going through the whole journey that is traditional litigation, mediation day can still be a challenge. You’re very likely to encounter disappointments and setbacks as you negotiate and make compromises to achieve the best possible outcome for you and your children. Depending on the particulars of your situation, you may also have to expend considerable energy in the form of evidence gathering and preparing with your attorney to support your case.
These and any number of other things which can occur during mediation can easily trigger you, causing you to veer off your goals and temporarily “lose your cool.” Every situation is unique and comes with its own set of issues, but hopefully the following tips can help you maintain your composure during mediation.
Knowledge is Power: Rely on Your Divorce Attorney to Ensure You Understand the Process
Become empowered with information and an understanding of the mediation process by working closely with your divorce attorney. They should explain to you how best to prepare for mediation (literally, mentally, and emotionally), and how to pivot during negotiations to stay focused on your key end goals. Having the right divorce lawyer by your side as your legal advocate can make all the difference in going into mediation confidently and being able to ride the waves of the negotiating process. Your attorney should also be familiar with the mediators in the area, be familiar with the judge assigned to your case, and can guide you in how the laws apply to the issues involved in your case. Knowing how the judge may potentially apply the law if you end up going to court is very helpful as you negotiate, helping you zero in on the risk of letting the judge decide.
Add to Your Team: Use a Licensed Counselor / Therapist
Naturally, one of the most helpful ways to assist yourself in keeping your cool throughout mediation and the divorce process in general is to utilize the services of a mental health professional, a licensed counselor or therapist. A divorce is stressful, a natural consequence of the stakes that are involved. Many counselors and therapists specialize in stress management, stress reduction, or other similar areas, and many are able to provide focused clinical support during mediation. They can suggest various methods you can implement to manage the stressors which come about during the negotiations on mediation day. Also, merely having a safe place to vent or simply talk about the stressors of divorce and mediation can sometimes be enough. An experienced divorce lawyer should have a network of trusted professionals they can refer you to.
Find Your Center and Take a Breath: Practice Meditation and Calming Techniques
Another method to keep your cool is to practice meditation or other calming techniques before, during, and after your mediation session. Meditation is a well-known method used to help people relieve stress, maintain better control over their emotions in response to new stressors, and maintain clarity. There are many different kinds of meditation and popular apps that can guide you. Explore different options to see if any resonate with you.
Other calming techniques can be helpful as well. Box breathing is commonly used to quickly reset your system: breathe in through your nose 5 counts, hold 5 counts, exhale through your mouth 5 counts, hold 5 counts. Studies have shown that doing this for 1-2 minutes can help calm a panic attack and reset your brain, allowing you to refocus with better clarity. Bringing music to listen to during mediation, something to occupy your hands (knitting has had a resurgence lately), or a good book may help avoid hyper focusing on the anxiety of the day as well. Try out some other calming techniques before mediation day so you know what works.
Remembering that if you lose control of your emotions, you may end up placing yourself in a sub-optimal position, can remind you to look for calm. When you are triggered or severely stressed, your brain will make poorer decisions. You may end up refusing to make reasonable compromises, failing to adequately present your case, or worse resorting to name-calling, all of which can risk you losing more than you would have if you’d stayed focused. Try out some techniques and have a plan to be equipped and ready.
Be Realistic: Approach Mediation with Reasonable Expectations
Teddy Roosevelt once said “comparison is the thief of joy.” The same can be said about unmet expectations. When you go through mediation, you will be settling complex, highly emotional issues. Setting rigid goals and predictions as to exactly how all your issues will be resolved in advance is perilous at best. Because of the innate uncertainty involved, it’s advisable that you not enter mediation with expectations set in stone that specific outcomes will be reached on specific issues. Likewise, if you keep a constant score of your perceived “wins” versus your spouse, you can lose sight of bigger picture. If you approach mediation in this way, you set yourself up to lose focus on what matters most and potentially lose your cool, which will not be helpful to finding a resolution that works.
Very rarely will things unfold precisely how you expect or desire. Mediation, just like trial, can be full of surprises, and unexpected things happen, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. The optimal course is to approach mediation with a reasonable attitude, an understanding that you will have to compromise on one or more issues in order to achieve a resolution on the ones that matter, and with clarity on what really matters to you and the future you want for yourself. Remember, one of the upsides of mediation is avoiding all the increased conflict and cost of litigation, and if you refuse to compromise and allow issues to remain unresolved after mediation, ultimately you will end up in court giving the decisions away to a judge. It’s in your best interests to keep your expectations at reasonable levels and make compromises to achieve settlement in order to move forward with your life.
Fill Your Toolbox and Choose the Right Team
The goal of mediation is to put yourself in the best possible situation post-divorce. Ultimately, you must approach all aspects of mediation with that central goal in mind.
Keeping your emotions in check will certainly be a challenge throughout mediation. Your nerves will be tested, and in many moments you may feel overwhelmed. However there are proven methods to handle the stress, and there are ways to prevent the stress of mediation from deterring you from staying laser focused on your end goals.
To recap, here are some key points when thinking about keeping your cool throughout mediation:
- Using a mental health counselor or therapist can be highly beneficial
- Practicing meditation or other calming technique can pay dividends
- Approaching mediation with reasonable expectations will pay off in the long run
- Losing your cool will never put you in a better position
Use these as tools in your toolbox for navigating mediation in a way that helps you start your new life on a strong foundation. These tools, along with the right divorce lawyer by your side, can help you stay the course and emerge from mediation with hope for what’s ahead. For more information, reach out to us at Hargrave Family Law today to learn about your options to start writing your next chapter. We’re here to help.
