Divorce Negotiation Strategy: Winning Without War

by Jennifer Hargrave - Dallas Divorce Attorney | Apr 29, 2025

How to advocate for yourself without fueling conflict.

In this powerful episode of The Jennifer Hargrave Show, Jennifer is joined by Carey Silvestri, a longtime colleague and expert in collaborative divorce and mediation. Together, they explore the art of negotiation in divorce, highlighting how empathy, flexibility, and self-awareness can lead to more meaningful and lasting resolutions. Carey shares insights from her extensive training, including at the Harvard Negotiation Program, and emphasizes the divorce negotiation strategy of understanding not only your own goals but also the motivations and fears of the other party.

They discuss how mediation provides a unique opportunity to find your voice and advocate for yourself in a safe, constructive environment—something the courtroom often doesn’t allow. From letting go of rigid “punch lists” to embracing creativity in custody arrangements, Jennifer and Carey offer practical advice for achieving the best possible outcome for yourself and your family.

Refined Transcript:
Jennifer Hargrave: How do you go about negotiating the very best outcome in your pending divorce? That’s a question a lot of people facing divorce ask. Of course, there are plenty of resources out there, but today I wanted to sit down with a colleague whom I consider to be an expert in this area. I’ve known Carey Silvestri since around 2006.

We met while we were both being trained in collaborative divorce. Since then, I’ve had the pleasure of practicing with her, against her in cases, and also using her as a mediator. Now, I’m thrilled that she’s working as of counsel with Hargrave Family Law, continuing to offer mediation services and helping clients negotiate the best possible outcomes in their divorce cases.

Carey, it’s a real privilege to have you here.

Carey Silvestri:
Thank you so much for inviting me!

Jennifer:
So, you and I met during our early days in collaborative divorce. Since then, you’ve become a certified mediator and done quite a bit of negotiation training. Tell us a little bit about your background.

Carey:
Sure. I started mediation training in 2007 and continued with local trainings in Dallas. I did my family law mediation training in 2008 and took several smaller trainings over the years. In 2018, I attended the Harvard Negotiation Program—a 40-hour, weeklong course that was incredibly impactful. I learned different ways to communicate, think, and truly listen. I use those skills daily in my mediation practice.

Jennifer:
That’s great. What do you think are the key factors for a successful negotiation during divorce?

Carey:
I think the most important thing is for clients to have confidence in their own voice. Mediation gives you a unique opportunity to speak freely and be heard. In court, you’re just answering questions. But in mediation, you can express your thoughts and feelings—whether verbally or through your presence—and advocate for yourself in a safe space.

Jennifer:
Absolutely. One challenge is that people often come into divorce with outside voices in their heads—family, friends, social media. How do you help people work through all that noise?

Carey:
It’s hard to shut off those voices. But you have to get clear on what you want—what’s right for your life, your kids, your future. Trying to please everyone never works. The right way is what works best for you. That means asking questions of your attorney, the mediator, and yourself, and giving yourself the space to figure it out.

Jennifer:
That curiosity is so important. People often come in with a “punch list” of what they want. What’s your take on that?

Carey:
I actually discourage punch lists. They create a win/lose mindset. Mediation is about exploring flexible, creative solutions. Instead of demanding the house, we might focus on the underlying goal—like keeping the kids in the same school. That opens up more options and leads to better outcomes.

Jennifer:
That’s where empathy and understanding come in. Why are those so critical?

Carey:
Empathy isn’t about sympathy—it’s about understanding. If you don’t understand the other person’s fears or motivations, you can’t make good decisions for yourself. It’s not about agreeing—it’s about gaining clarity so you can negotiate effectively.

Jennifer:
Exactly. And when we talk about understanding motivations, we’re really peeling back the layers to figure out the “why.” Once we know the goal, we can brainstorm lots of different ways to get there.

Carey:
Yes! And it’s important to take your ego out of the process. Just because an idea came from the other person doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Stay focused on solutions, not positions.

Jennifer:
Especially in family cases, the adversarial nature of the legal system can make things worse if people aren’t intentional.

Carey:
Right. Clients need to be mindful about choosing an attorney they feel heard by—someone whose advocacy style aligns with their needs. But it’s also important to be cautious if your attorney never tells you “no.” We’re in a legal system with limits, not a justice system. Managing expectations is key.

Jennifer:
And sometimes, your lawyer’s agenda doesn’t line up with yours, even if they have the best intentions.

Carey:
Exactly. I once mediated a case where the wife’s attorney was fighting hard for custody, child support, and all the typical protections. But the client was shrinking more and more throughout the day. Eventually, we realized—she didn’t want custody at that time. She needed a break. And when she said it out loud, she broke down in tears. We created a plan that met her needs right then, with the flexibility to adjust later.

Jennifer:
That’s a powerful example of how important it is to honor your own truth, especially in hard times.

Carey:
Yes. Divorce is a huge transition. Being honest about your limitations and needs isn’t weakness—it’s strength.

Jennifer:
Thank you so much for being here and sharing your wisdom. It’s always a joy to talk with you, Carey.

Carey:
Thank you. I really appreciate the time.

Jennifer:
If you’d like to learn more about Carey Silvestri and her mediation services, visit Hargrave Family Law—we’ll include a link to her bio. And don’t forget to subscribe for more episodes.

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Hargrave Family Law was founded by Dallas divorce lawyer Jennifer Hargrave with a strong mission in mind. Using non-adversarial techniques, our firm advocates for you during this challenging life transition in a way that helps you protect what matters most. Reach out to our team of compassionate Dallas divorce lawyers at Hargrave Family Law for the support you need to navigate divorce and other family law matters. We offer a complimentary case evaluation to start your journey with us. Together, we will work towards safeguarding the happiness and well-being of your family, allowing you to write your next chapter with hope.