One of the biggest reasons why divorce is so difficult for many spouses is because children are involved. It’s difficult enough for many spouses to manage their own emotions and transitions – not to mention the impact these changes will have on their children. While divorce is definitely a difficult time of transition for most families, the good news is that it does not have to be traumatic for families. When parents are intentional about providing support for their children, parents can greatly assist their children in navigating this transition in a way that provides important learning opportunities for their children. However, all to often, good parents elect to involve their children in the divorce in a way that inadvertently can cause more harm and make the transition more difficult. This is especially true when your children are teenagers and young adults.
Divorce can be one of the most pivotal and stressful moments in life. For a growing child, the psychological stress can lead to long-term effects if the underlying questions of the transition are not addressed. For example, children of divorced parents can sometimes suffer academically.
Teenagers might deal with the effects of their parents’ divorce by doing things that can be risky. This could mean they are more likely to use drugs and have sex earlier than their friends whose parents are not divorced. If you’re going through a divorce, it’s important to understand the behaviors your teen might show and how to help them.
Signs and symptoms to lookout for
Teenagers with divorced parents go through a variety of feelings, and these emotions can sometimes lead to common disruptions in their daily life.
Some signs to look out for are:
- School-related behavioral issues like:
- Unruly Behavior
- Poor academic performance
- Defiance and non-cooperation
- This can be directed towards both parents and at other authority figures
- Defiance and confrontational behavior can also be directed at siblings
- Depression
- This can show up as sleeping a lot
- Or you may see your child disengaging from social activities they once enjoyed
- Struggles in developing close relationships
- Heightened stress and anxiety levels
- Sleeping difficulties
- Engaging in high risk activities, like drug and substance use, sneaking out of the house, reckless driving
The tricky thing with teenagers is that some of the signs that they are struggling with the separation of their parents and the changes in family life – are also typical teenager behavior (like changing friends, sleeping all the time, etc.).
What will influence a teenager’s life post-divorce?
The key factor in determining how teenagers will fare following a divorce is the quality of their parents’ relationship. Some studies indicate that conflict between divorced parents raises the likelihood of mental health issues in children. Although not conclusive, the post-divorce co-parenting relationship can influence a child and later teenager’s positive or negative behavior.
Divorce has a tendency to be contentious and stressful. This kind of fighting and tussling is what leads to the deeply-rooted issues behind children, and later adolescents, acting out. This is one of the numerous reasons our firm looks for solutions to help mitigate the conflict between the parents, such as collaborative divorce.
Collaborative divorce is not for everyone. There are situations where one or both spouses simply cannot come to the table to negotiate a divorce cordially. However, there are lessons to be learned from the collaborative process. One of them being the need to really listen to children.
How to help your teen cope with a divorce:
When it comes to helping your teen child cope with the divorce, we have a few strategies to keep in mind:
- Be the adult. You are the adult navigating complex issues. You do not need to burden your children with the details and frustrations of your divorce. It is tempting to want to share information with our children, especially if we viewed a “friendship” with our teen as a goal. However, your teen needs you to have other friends right now who can be your sounding board, and place to vent. Your teen does not need you to unload your burdens on them. They have enough on their plate already.
- Be the role model. Now is the time to take care of yourself – emotionally, physically, socially and spiritually. Showing your children that you are taking care of yourself provides meaningful examples for them of how to navigate heartache well. Let them know if you have a counselor you meet with regularly, let them see you going for walks or working out. If faith is something that is important, include them in conversations about how your faith provides guidance and comfort during this time.
- Be a resource. If your teen needs a therapist (and they probably do), be open to helping them find a professional confidant who can help guide them through their own feelings. Respect their privacy with this therapist. If they need tutors or others to help them with academics, help them find the resources they need. You should not be hurt if your child is looking for outside help – in fact, that is a healthy thing to do.
One of the most important things parents can do to help their teenagers is to look for and build upon moments of connection. Parenting a teen is challenging – because the nature of the parent-child relationship at this stage is for the child to pull away from the parent and create their own identity. As the parent during this time, it can feel like we are constantly in battles with our teens (which is exhausting), or constantly on their case to get x, y and z done. Even under the best of circumstances, teenagers can be rude and critical. But when you throw a divorce into the mix, and leave parents feeling even more alone and isolated. Especially if the other parent is trying to win the affection of the teenager.
First – know that it is normal in the teenage years to feel your child pulling away from you. But it doesn’t mean it will be this way forever. Remember when your child was learning to sleep through the night, or potty train, and it felt like it would go on forever? But it doesn’t. Similarly, the teenage years will be a phase that also has the possibility of transforming in the future.
How does a parent build connection with a teenager? Especially when going through a divorce?
Building Connection with Your Teen
Choosing the Right Time and Place
When planning to talk to your teenaged children about anything, including your divorce, it’s important to select an appropriate time and place. Choose a moment when you can have their full attention without interruptions. A familiar and comfortable setting, such as the family living room, can help create a safe space for the conversation. Also, driving in the car is often a place where many meaningful conversations happen.
Listen more than you Talk
One of the biggest shifts that happens in communication with children through the teenage years – is learning to allow your child room to talk. This can be challenging, because as parents, we don’t always agree with or like what we hear from our kids. But give them space to express themselves. Find a way to be curious and interested in learning things from their perspective. The minute we start giving our teen children unsolicited advice – is the minute they tune us out. Teens can also be brutally honest, and/or completely misguided – and what they have to say can be difficult to hear. Nevertheless, if when they are giving feedback that feels like criticism, quell the desire to snap back and instead express gratitude that they had the courage to share that with you. If they are expecting you to react with anger, you will totally throw them off their game when instead you show gratitude.
These are not easy skills to learn – but they become easier with practice. And teenagers give us lots of opportunities to practice our listening skills. And who knows, you just might learn something in the process.
Do not allow your teen to bad mouth the other Parent
This one is really difficult – especially when you and your teen seem to be in agreement that the other parent is loser. But, if your teen is allowed to badmouth the other parent and you join in, you are teaching your children to be disrespectful and it is a matter of time before that disrespect comes back on you. Instead, help reframe the situation. While you personally may not like or respect the other parent, it is nevertheless better for your teen if your teen knows that he/she is not allowed to badmouth the other parent in your presence.
Sometimes when your teen has witnessed bad acts by the other parent, you will need to have a conversation about those bad acts and how those bad acts are a reflection of that parent. But even in the most difficult of circumstances, you can show your child what it looks like to have compassion for someone going through a difficult time (e.g., substance abuse, alcoholism, other mental issues), and still maintain healthy boundaries.
Involving Your Teen in the Divorce
Many parents of teenagers believe it should be up to their teens to decide how much time they will spend with each parent. However, involving the children in these negotiations can end up putting your child in the middle of a situation that only increases their stress. It is not up the your child as to whether or not they will spend time with a parent. Children, including teenagers, are not the decision makers. But all too often, parents put their children in this role which will infuriate the judge who actually is the decision maker.
So, let’s talk about how your teenage child can have their voice heard in the divorce process.
- In Texas, children 12 years old and above can be interviewed by the judge as to their preference for which parent will have the right to determine the primary residence of the child. If you believe this is helpful, do not speak with your child about this. First, you need to talk with your divorce attorney to determine whether this is a good idea. Different judges have different ideas about interviewing children. One of the first things most judges want to know – is how much the parents have been overcommunicating with the child about the divorce.
- Your child’s therapist can be called as a witness to testify regarding the child. Having a therapist who is skilled at working with children in custody situations is very helpful. Just be aware that in some situations, calling the child’s therapist can significantly damage the child’s trust with his or her therapist.
- Appointing a custody evaluator is another appropriate way for your children to have their “voice” heard in the divorce process. In a custody evaluation, the court appoints a licensed professional to meet with the parties and the children, to interview additional sources (like teacher, coaches, etc), and to make a recommendation to the court regarding custody issues. The evaluator will meet with your children, privately and with each parent, and that will provide your child with an opportunity to share their desires. But again, parents are cautioned against “coaching” their children – these professionals are trained to detect coaching, and it will not reflect well on the parent who is telling their child what to say.
- In collaborative divorce, some families are opting to work with a child specialist. A child specialist has the right tools and training to interview minors. They can cut through the tension and help a minor express themselves. Giving children a voice in a safe space during the challenging period of divorce is important. It provides children with an opportunity to express their thoughts, concerns, and emotions, allowing them to be participants in their own way. This safe space can be facilitated through open and honest communication between parents, the children, and potentially a specialist. By offering children this platform, they can better cope with the changes, understand the reasons behind the divorce, and feel that their feelings are acknowledged and respected.
Emotional Reassurance
It is good for all children, regardless of age, to be reminded that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents still love them. Use comforting phrases and stress that both parents will be actively involved in their lives, despite any marital changes. It’s also okay for your children to know that you have emotions regarding the divorce too. You may share that you are sad, or upset. Just make sure you aren’t turning to your teen for comfort – it’s not their job to be your confidant. Instead, show them what it looks like to have a team of professionals and friends supporting you.
Building a relationship with your children post-divorce
While divorce marks the end of a marital partnership, it’s crucial to remember that it doesn’t have to signify the end of a strong and loving relationship with your kids. Let’s go over some practical strategies and insights to help you build a meaningful connection with your children in the aftermath of this transition. By addressing the unique challenges, focusing on effective communication, and prioritizing your child’s well-being, you can embark on a journey towards creating enduring bonds.
Look for and provide resource:
Depending on your children’s ages and needs, consider providing them with resources such as books, articles, or access to counseling services to help them navigate their feelings and questions about the divorce. Our site has extensive resources from field experts ranging from books on divorce for children to insights from specialists who work with minors.
Follow-Up Conversations:
Remember that the initial conversation is just the beginning. Continue to have follow-up discussions with your children as they process the changes and emotions associated with the divorce. Being available and supportive in the weeks and months following the initial conversation is crucial.
Having a co-parenting plan ready:
After the discussion, work on developing a co-parenting plan with your ex-spouse. Having a clear plan in place can provide stability and predictability for your children during this transition.
We help in finding solutions for you and your family
Whether you need a divorce or if you’re looking for a collaborative approach, our team is here to safeguard your future and ensure a smooth beginning to a new chapter. If you’re located in Dallas or the DFW Area, give our team a call.
