Divorce or separation can be a challenging and emotionally charged experience, particularly when there is an ongoing conflict between ex-partners. When that conflict becomes toxic, co-parenting can seem like an insurmountable task. However, at Hargrave Family Law, we firmly believe that even in the face of adversity, it is possible to establish a positive co-parenting relationship for the well-being of your children. In this article, we will explore the impact of conflict on children, provide practical tips for dealing with a “toxic” ex-partner, and offer guidance on becoming productive and progressive co-parents.
The Impact of Conflict on Children
It is important to recognize the profound effect that ongoing conflict between divorced parents can have on children. Studies consistently show that children exposed to high levels of conflict, whether their parents are divorced or not, are at a higher risk of experiencing emotional, behavioral, and psychological problems. Children from high-conflict homes are also more likely to struggle academically, suffer from anxiety and depression, and have difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life.
Divorce alone can have an immense impact on children, and having a contentious relationship with your ex-partner only makes it worse. The children’s well-being and interests should be the top priority for both parents. If it seems, however, that your ex-partner is unwilling to cooperate, there are ways of dealing with the situation so that conflict can be avoided.
Dealing with a “Toxic” Ex-Partner
“Toxic” is a word used a lot these days to describe behaviors that make it very difficult to understand each other’s points of view, find common ground, and navigate differences with respect. Instead, “toxic” relationships often devolve into emotionally charged disputes that result in strong feelings of disdain towards the other people in the relationship. While it’s easy to “label” someone as toxic, we believe it is more helpful to pay attention to the patterns of engagement that are toxic so that you can create new ways of engaging. This is especially important when you have children together.
Here are some practical tips to help you cope:
- Set Boundaries for Yourself: Healthy boundaries create the lines within which you will operate. There is no magic way to make someone else respect your boundaries – trying to do so will likely leave you feeling more angry and disrespected. Instead, enforcing your boundaries is up to you. When someone is speaking to you in a way that violates your boundaries, leave the conversation. When someone is demanding that you change your plans to accommodate them, you get to say no. When someone tries to blame you for their feelings, you get to stand firm in the truth that you are not responsible for how someone else is feeling. Setting and respecting your own boundaries is a great place to start.
- Avoid Blame. Blaming is focused on the past, and does not help you solve the problem in front of you. Blaming almost always causes the target of your blame to respond in a defensive manner, which is never helpful when you need to find a solution. In fact, triggering a defensive response often causes the problem solving part of the brain to turn off. Instead, keep the focus on the problem or challenging circumstances, and allow space for both of you to brainstorm solutions.
- Learn BIFF Communication. In many articles, books, podcasts and publications, Bill Eddy has introduced the concept of BIFF Communication in the midst of heated battles with high conflict people, or high conflict situations. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm. When you learn how to communicate keeping your messages Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm, you take the zingers out of the communication and are able to actually avoid endless arguments over text and email. Any time you find yourself trying to argue or admonish the other party, you’ve given the other side power over you in the situation you are facing.
- Practice Self-Care: Taking care of your well-being is essential. Prioritize self-care activities such as exercise, therapy, and engaging in hobbies that bring you joy. A healthy and grounded mindset will positively impact your co-parenting approach.
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with a strong support network, including friends, family, and professionals who can provide guidance and encouragement. Consider seeking the help of a qualified therapist or counselor who specializes in co-parenting and can offer valuable insights. For more information on how a co-parenting counselor can help you, here is an interview we did with Kathleen Schoefield, a therapist dedicated to helping families navigate high conflict situations.
Becoming Productive and Progressive Co-Parents
Transitioning from a toxic co-parenting dynamic to a productive and progressive one requires commitment and an open mindset. Here are strategies to foster a healthier co-parenting relationship:
- Focus on Collaboration: Shift your mindset from trying to persuade or convince your ex why you are right. Instead, invite your ex to offer solutions to the problem. If their proposed solution is not acceptable, then invite them to make another proposal. Problem solving is possible when you approach it with patience, and invite the other person to engage in problem-solving with you.
- Create a Realistic Parenting Plan: If your legal case is pending, you likely are working on a “parenting plan” in place that addresses rights and duties (i.e., conservatorship), parenting time and child support. The terms of the parenting plan that will become part of your orders will set the floor of what is expected, so it’s important to make sure the plan is realistic and the you aren’t just “agreeing” to get it over with. Also, the terms set forth in the parenting plan will be binding on you. There are many other issues that you may want to address in your negotiations, that may or may not be part of the final orders.
These “other issues” can include things such as extra-curricular activities costs and schedules, introducing significant others, technology, car, curfews, etc. Even if these topics do not make it into a final order, it’s not a bad idea to discuss how you plan to handle these issues in your home. You and your ex do not have to see eye-to-eye on every decision, and in fact you likely won’t. However, communicating about how decisions will be made in your household can set the framework for sharing information, even when you don’t see eye-to-eye.
- Maintain Consistency: Strive for consistency and predictability in your co-parenting approach. Establishing routines and sticking to agreed-upon guidelines can provide stability and security for your children.
- Foster Effective Co-Parenting Communication: Explore methods of communication that work best for you and your ex-partner. Whether it’s in-person meetings, phone calls, or a co-parenting app, finding a channel that facilitates respectful and efficient communication is crucial.
- Embrace Flexibility: Recognize that flexibility is key in co-parenting. Life circumstances may change, and being open to modifications and compromises can help maintain a positive co-parenting dynamic.
What If My Ex-Partner Continues to Be Uncooperative?
When faced with an uncooperative ex-partner who persistently causes conflict, it can feel overwhelming and disheartening. However, there are steps you can take to address the situation and protect your children’s well-being:
- Document Incidents: Keep a record of any instances where your ex-partner violates the terms of your parenting agreement, engages in harmful behavior, or disrupts the co-parenting process. This documentation can serve as evidence if legal intervention becomes necessary.
- Consider working with a Co-parenting Counselor, Parenting Coordinator or Parenting Facilitator: Engaging the help of a trained neutral expert can help facilitate communication between you and your ex-partner. Working with a co-parenting expert can provide a neutral and structured environment where you can work through conflicts and find mutually agreeable solutions. A Co-parenting Counselor is a therapist who will work with you and your ex to address co-parenting issues. A Parenting Facilitator can be a lawyer or therapist, or other individual trained in Parenting Facilitation. Similarly, a Parenting Coordinator is also trained in Parent Coordination, but cannot be called to testify as a witness in court – so this individual is more like a mediator.
- Avoid Tit for Tat: It’s easy to treat the other parent like they are treating you, and to make decisions accordingly. For example, they didn’t agree to extend your Spring Break by one night, so you are not going to give them an extra night during Summer. It’s a natural pattern to fall into – however, once you fall into Tit-for-Tat decision making, your co-parenting relationship will only get worse. And the truth is, you are letting this person control you and the decisions you are making. Instead, keep the focus on what is best for your child. And if an extra night is best, then let it be. Maybe eventually through good role modeling, you will actually be setting a higher bar for co-parenting in the future. But remember – if you are giving up something expecting the same in return, make sure you get the deal in writing.
- Consult with Your Attorney: Reach out to your family law attorney for guidance on how to address the uncooperative behavior. They can provide legal advice based on your specific circumstances and help you explore legal remedies available to enforce the terms of your parenting agreement.
- Modify the Parenting Agreement: If the conflict persists and significantly impacts your children’s well-being, you may need to pursue a modification of the parenting agreement. With the assistance of your attorney, you can present evidence of the ongoing issues and request adjustments that better align with your children’s best interests.
- Court Intervention: In extreme cases where all other attempts at resolving the conflict have failed, it may be necessary to seek court intervention. Your attorney can guide you through the process of filing a motion to address the issues and present your case to the judge. The court can then enforce the terms of the parenting agreement and impose consequences for non-compliance.
It is essential to remember that every situation is unique, and the appropriate course of action may vary. Consulting with an experienced family law attorney who specializes in co-parenting issues will provide you with tailored advice and support as you navigate this challenging situation.
Hargrave Family Law: The Strong and Reliable Legal Support You Need
Co-parenting is a journey that requires perseverance, patience, and a focus on the well-being of your children. By prioritizing their needs and fostering a respectful co-parenting relationship, you are creating a foundation for their healthy development and future success. Remember, your children deserve the love and support of both parents, even if you are no longer together as a couple.At Hargrave Family Law, we are dedicated to assisting families in navigating the complexities of divorce and co-parenting. Our experienced family law attorneys understand the challenges you face and can provide valuable guidance tailored to your unique situation. If you need legal advice or assistance in establishing a positive co-parenting relationship, contact Hargrave Family Law today. Together, we can help you build a brighter future for your children.
