Can My Marriage Be Saved?

by Jennifer Hargrave - Dallas Divorce Attorney | Jul 16, 2024

As a mother, wife, and Dallas divorce attorney for over fifteen years, experience has taught me a lot about dealing with times of uncertainty, transition, and facing opportunities for growth. I’m happy you’re joining me for this part of the journey. If you are wondering “how to save my marriage,” or “should I divorce?,” you’re going to want to tune into our topic today.

Today my guest is Kim Bowen. Kim is a licensed professional counselor. She’s the founder of The Marriage Place and she knows firsthand what it’s like to be living with that decision. In fact, it was out of that time in her life, when she was contemplating the end of her own marriage, that she decided to turn things around and recommit to her marriage. Out of that, she founded a practice that is committed to helping other couples save their marriage. Kim, I’m so excited to have you here with me today.

Kim Bowen: Thank you. I’m excited to be here.

Kim Bowen’s Personal Journey

Contemplating Divorce

Jennifer: I want to go– you have a wonderful video on your website and we will include links to that video down below that really discusses your own personal journey in your marriage. What was it like during that time for you, when you were contemplating whether or not to end your marriage?

Kim: Well, I think that time is pretty much one of the worst times of my life and my marriage. I was miserable and I felt very trapped because there didn’t seem to be a good way out, you know? I didn’t want a divorce. I didn’t want that for my kids. I didn’t want that for me, but I didn’t want to stay married, either.

Turning Point

Jennifer: What was the turning point for you where you were able to recommit to your marriage?

Kim: So I’ve given that a lot of thought over the years because I get asked that question a lot. Honestly, I think it boils down to a couple of things. One is time. I didn’t rush into a divorce and during that time of waiting, I worked on myself. I realized that marriage is often based on, for a lot of us, determining whether we’re in a good marriage or not. Do we feel happy and do we feel like we love the partner that we’re with? I didn’t know. No one told me that feelings of love come and go. I thought being in love was this romantic, “I just want to be with you all the time,” kind of feeling. I was married to somebody who was on my nerves most of the time. I think there was time to realize that feelings come and go. I had to learn that.

The other part that I had to get really honest with myself about was that I had gotten to be pretty—we call it one-up in a relationship. Not that you feel better than the other person, but that you deserve better. You deserve more. In that process, I’ve forgotten that I could be quite unappealing to live with at times, too. Getting really clear and honest about how I was showing up and I wasn’t being very lovable either—enabled me to work on myself and change that.

Self-Focus and Relationship Dynamics

Jennifer: I love what you just said about really needing to focus on yourself because I know in my own marriage and I’ve been working with other people in broken marriages that so often the focus is on the inadequacies of the other person. I think when we’re focused on how our needs aren’t being met, we’re probably not doing much to help meet the needs of the other person or even to meet our own needs. So I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that.

Kim: Well, it’s just so true. We aren’t good at being uncomfortable and when we start to feel like we’re not happy, we start to look for a way out. We want relief. We want something to change and we want it now. That sometimes works against us in marriage, often actually.

The Role of Media and Culture

Unrealistic Expectations

Jennifer: I think there’s just not a whole lot of good guidance or direction for married couples out there, I think. Our culture and our media and the romantic movies all show these couples who are living happily ever after or getting their needs met. So when you feel like you’re not, oftentimes I think people jump to the conclusion that they need to move on, that it’s time for a divorce.

Discernment Counseling

What is Discernment Counseling?

You offer, at The Marriage Place, a program called discernment counseling. Can you talk to us about what that is?

Kim: Yes. Discernment counseling is a model that was developed by Dr. Bill Dory. It is not traditional marriage counseling. It is not two people coming into the room to work on the marriage. It is a series of sessions. They can last anywhere between one to five. At the end of those sessions, you can’t go longer than five. At the end of those sessions, you come down to one of three decisions: whether to stay in the marriage and leave things the way they are, whether to divorce and then move on, or whether to get in there and really work on it.

The most surprising thing to me is that most people choose the option to stay and leave things the way they are because they’re afraid of either leaving them or working on them. And so what we do at The Marriage Place, we try to help people get clear on what would happen under either of those, any of those decisions, or circumstances. Walking people through that to really get more of a realistic view of what those choices are going to look like.

The Value of Marriage

Shared Values

Jennifer: One of the things that you and I both share, even though we’re on different ends of the marriage spectrum, where I help people end a marriage and you help people recommit to their marriage, is that we both value marriage. We know how wonderful marriage can be and I think one of the sad things is when people really become complacent in their marriage and just decide that good enough is good enough where, really, if both people are willing, they can commit to their marriage and make it a really outstanding, spectacular marriage.

Pro-Marriage Advocacy

Kim: Absolutely. One thing, I just feel like I have to say this, you are such a unicorn in your field. I mean, you’re actually advocating for something that can keep you from getting business, right? So it doesn’t really make sense for you to be as pro-marriage as you really are and I love that about you. You really are looking out for the best welfare of your clients.

Jennifer: Well, thank you, Kim. Something you and I have talked about is the fact that divorce is painful. Look, when you need a divorce, you need a divorce. Oftentimes, people who come to me are at a stage where they really have tried everything and have decided that they really do need to move forward with the divorce and I get to walk with them through that process. But absolutely, marriage is something that is valuable, and people who enter into marriage do so hoping that it will last forever. We know for sure that how people live out their marriage and if they need to end their marriage, how they choose to end their marriage will have ramifications not only for their lives but for the lives of their children. So thank you for that.

Services at The Marriage Place

Beyond Discernment Counseling

You do a lot more than discernment counseling at The Marriage Place. You have a lot of great resources on your website that is pro-marriage. I often send people to your website to go get tools and resources. How do what you and your team do at The Marriage Place differ from other types of marriage therapy or other therapists?

Kim: Well, we’re pro-marriage. That’s the biggest difference between us and others. What that means doesn’t mean that we try to keep you in a marriage no matter what, right? It just means that we value the institution and we take it respectfully. We take it on respectfully. So many times people come into my office and they’re like, “Wow, the last marriage counselor just told us to get a divorce,” or just they feed into the hopelessness of it. So that’s something we do very differently.

The other thing is that my staff is so well-trained. We’re only required to have twenty-four hours of continuing education over a two-year period; mine get two hours a week. So that is a big difference in our approach. We also do, even though marriage is our specialty and we see ninety-five percent of our client load as couples. The other thing we do is we work with people who’ve had trauma that affects a relationship, for sure. Anytime there’s any kind of addiction, especially sex or addiction that affects the marriage, we work with those as well.

Holistic Approach

Jennifer: That’s great. I love that. You know, you really are treating the whole person because it’s the whole person who’s involved in the marriage and you bring all of that into the marriage. If you have those unhealed wounds yourself, I would just really encourage you to take time and focus on yourself. Focus on being the very best partner that you can be in the marriage.

Impact of the Pandemic

Effects on Families

In what ways have you seen this pandemic impact the families that you’re working with?

Kim: Oh my. It’s a tough time. Marriages are really struggling now in a way that I’ve never seen on a scale. I haven’t seen it. So we’re seeing a big increase in substance abuse, especially alcohol, right now. We’re seeing an increase in domestic violence. Those are some pretty dangerous statistics. Couples are just tired and they’re feeling more hopeless now than ever before. Talk about feeling trapped—I felt trapped in marriage, but at least I could go out. I could get some distance and space. Now, couples are having to navigate a whole different schedule and terrain in their homes they’ve never had to do.

Jennifer: It’s so true. One of the things I know is that for a lot of couples, our former life was filled with distractions, right? We had kids, activities we had, maybe work trips and business trips, or even vacations with friends that would give us a reprieve from our broken marriage. Right now, I think a lot of people are just exactly feeling stuck, as you said. Really can’t go do those things that at least brought joy and happiness to their life if their marriage didn’t.

Finding Opportunity in Crisis

What I want to tell people is that if you’re in that situation and you’re feeling like your marriage is a place where you are trapped. It just doesn’t have to be that way. Working with somebody like Kim Bowen and her group, you can really find the tools and resources. The means to communicate and to really build a marriage that is sustaining and life-giving and fun.

Kim: And fun. Yeah. Right now, there’s always a silver lining right in every bad situation, and right now is an opportunity to grow together as a couple in a way you’ve never brought before. I mean, both people are home way more often, and while that has a higher stress factor in some ways, I’m seeing kids that are getting closer and reconnecting with both parents in a way that I haven’t seen before, either. Working dads and stay-at-home moms. Now we have two working parents. Now both are at home with the kids and it’s really an amazing opportunity.

Jennifer: I love that it is a great opportunity for building some family traditions and sharing some good time with each other. I just think, if you can find the opportunity in this curse of a situation, your life is going to be richly blessed and it will. I know my pets are happier than they’ve ever been, too. Having everybody at home.

Motivation and Practice Operations

What motivates you to keep doing the work that you do?

Kim: Getting that client that comes back years later and says, “I can’t thank you enough. I’m happier now than I’ve ever thought I’d be or I can’t imagine what I almost gave up and so glad now that I didn’t.” That’s what does it for me.

Contact Information and Operations

Jennifer: I love that. If somebody wants to get in touch with you, tell us how your practice is working right now. How can they get in touch with you? What can they expect in terms of actually meeting with a therapist during this time?

Kim: Good question. You can reach us a couple of different ways. You can call directly on our office line. The numbers are on our website. You can go to our website, fill out a contact form through email. There’s even a number to text. So there are lots of ways that you could reach us. Our therapist right now and our coaches, we’re seeing some people who still want to see in person and feel safe to do that with masks. We still do that, but we’ve always done sessions online over Zoom. I mean, that’s just always been something that we’ve done and we’re still doing that and doing more of it now than ever before.

Jennifer: Where are you located?

Kim: We have two offices. We have an office in Richardson, right off of George Bush and 75 just right there. We have another one in Frisco that we just opened right before Covid.

Jennifer: Excellent timing. No, that’s great and you’re not limited to just seeing people in the DFW area, right? I mean, especially with the Zoom capabilities. Can people from all over the United States contact you and work with you in your office?

Kim: All over and Internationally. We have clients in Turkey, Israel, Greece, and all over.

Advice for Struggling Couples

Advice for Those Contemplating Divorce

Jennifer: That’s great. I just want to close today by asking you what advice you have for somebody who might be watching this, who is really struggling with the question of whether or not they need to end their marriage?

Kim: My advice is, don’t get in a hurry. I wouldn’t make any life-changing decision right now during Covid. I just wouldn’t until life gets to be back to normal and unless you’re in an abusive situation. If you’re in an abusive situation, then you need to get yourself safe. But if you’re in that place, I just don’t want to be married anymore. I would wait until things level out a little bit and then the next thing I would do is start working with somebody who can help you sort through your feelings and your experiences to find out how much of you is in this.

Working on Yourself

Jennifer: It seems like right now this is probably a good time if you’re inclined to do some work on yourself to take advantage of it. Really go deep and take this opportunity to just grow yourself. I think what you started off within our discussion today was so valuable.

Kim: Can I make one point? If you’re the one that’s in a marriage and your spouse is running out. I want to encourage you not to give up on that. My husband, together, we learned all the wrong things that you can do in that situation. Most people panic. They start to beg and plead for their partner to stay. They start to become extremely needy in the situation. Those are the people that we like to work with as well. Most people, especially therapists will tell you there’s nothing you can do to save it. If somebody wants out and that’s just not true.

Jennifer: I will tell you, that’s what most divorce lawyers will tell you, too. I think that’s also just a good plug to say if you are the person whose spouse is choosing to leave and you don’t want your marriage to end. What comes naturally in those moments is probably the worst thing you can do and instead get help. Get advice from somebody who knows this terrain and can really give you good advice to help you maybe show up in a different way in your marriage.

Kim: Yes, call us.

Jennifer: I love it. Well, we will include the links to your information in the post and I just want to thank you, Kim, for taking the time today to visit with me about the amazing work you do with The Marriage Place.

Kim: Thank you, Jennifer. I appreciate the work you’re doing too very much.

Jennifer: Thank you.

Kim Bowen and Dallas divorce attorney Jennifer Hargrave

Compassionate Dallas Divorce Attorney Jennifer Stanton Hargrave

Compassionate Dallas Divorce Attorney, Jennifer Hargrave

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Hargrave Family Law was founded by Dallas divorce lawyer Jennifer Hargrave with a strong mission in mind. Using non-adversarial techniques, our firm advocates for you during this challenging life transition in a way that helps you protect what matters most. Reach out to our team of compassionate Dallas divorce lawyers at Hargrave Family Law for the support you need to navigate divorce and other family law matters. We offer a complimentary case evaluation to start your journey with us. Together, we will work towards safeguarding the happiness and well-being of your family, allowing you to write your next chapter with hope.